The Hollywood Platter

Uhp! Should We Even Vote !?

2007-12-11T02:08:00.001-07:00

Well lookie here. It's pretty obvious Obama is going to win now. Because he's got thee accessory to have on your arm. All those people in the L states worship Oprah and have no mind of their own. Oprah brought Uggs back and now she just won Obama the presidency.

But Katherine ... You Are A Shrew

2007-12-11T02:07:00.000-07:00

Because you yawn without covering your mouth and every role you've ever had ... has been a bitch. "My Father The Hero" I wanted the sexy hey dude boy to drown you in the Ocean. Grey's Anatomy, I want Callie to fuck you up and now ... in Knocked up.

"It paints the women as shrews, as humorless and uptight, and it paints the men as lovable, goofy, fun-loving guys," she says. "It was hard for me to love the movie." But the film loved her, catapulting her onto Hollywood's A-list and driving her price from the $300,000 she got for "Knocked Up" to $6 million. Heigl also complained she's become disenchanted with her "Grey's" character, Izzie, having a fling with her married best friend. "It was a ratings ploy," she said. "I'm trying to figure her out and keep her real."

No no no. The interviewer should've punched her in the mouth. You're not going to sit down and talk shit about a movie starring amazing people and rip it to shreds. I'm sure when you cashed that 300K check you were all about getting Knocked Up. But now, that you're allowed to jump 3 zero's you wanna get lippy. Women are shrews. The only women who are not bitches are rich ones. Because they're not relying on a man to pay off their college loans, their credit card debt, their two door and waiting around for them to show em some attention. So we're painted as whores. Because we don't need the warmth of dick. We've got green baby.

This entry is wrong. Let me try and redeem myself. Women are bitches. Men are awesome. Simple. Men care about video games and playing basketball after taking back 8 beers. Women care about EVERYTHING and expect the man to want to be apart of it. I loved Knocked up but hated it. Katherine's character really did piss me off. I wanted Seth Rogen to punch her in the stomach, spit in her mouth and push her down a flight of stairs. How's that for Shrew?

The Four Greatest Men Alive. Maybe 3½

2007-12-11T02:04:00.002-07:00

Jason Schwartzman, Seth Rogen, Paul Rudd and Jonah Hill all attended the GQ Men Of The Year party Wednesday night. And I'm sure you know who the half is. The only man in the group who I would not sleep with. and we know it's NOT Paul Rudd. That ... That ... I'm going to rape him. Do u hear me Paul Rudd. Josh from Clueless. If you ever exist in my personal space, you will be raped.

"I don't think the movie's sexist, I think there are characters in the movie who are sexist. Apparently Vanity Fair needs to sell some magazines. They've got to turn up the controversy. I'm sure when they get you talking for hours and hours, a couple lines taken out of context seem more interesting than they really are."

Katherine Heigl is a bitch. I was trying to find her quote so I could write about it by found Judd Apatow's rebutle first. You cannot go up against these men Katherine. Have u not seen the last 3 movies they were in. 40 Year Old Virgin ... Superbad ... Knocked Up ... C'mon. We understand their humor. You being a female. And them being nerds from the basement. They're used to not having to please you.

"We won A Women's Image Network Award; I picked it up myself. I don't really talk to Katie."

Oh Seth. You make my vagina smile.

Such A Bitchy Kardashian

2007-12-11T02:04:00.001-07:00

Kourtney (right) manages to ruin the show for me. She's all holier than thou and her fuckin monotone bitch voice is so suicidal. And I know it's called, Keeping Up With The Kardashians so we should technically be involved in the lives of all 86 Kardashians but I thought the title was a ploy ... but everyone knew it was all about Kim. Because. Honestly. Who are the Kardashians? Exactly. Nobody Fuckin Cares. WE ONLY CARE ABOUT KIM ! and if we is me that's fine too. I only care about Kim. So ... next season should be called, What's Kim Doing? Because ... I'm so fascinated by her. Her face. Her voice. Her Chest. Her Ass. Her Vehicle. Her. Really. I'd watch her shop at Ralph's and feed Pigeons bread crumbs for an hour. Doesn't really matter. My hobbies are eating, writing and staring at awesome.

Oh No Pammie !

2007-12-11T02:03:00.002-07:00

Remember when I was all butt hurt over Brad Pitt saying he was done with Hollywood because he's old? Well. It sucks to be a woman. Because I think Pamela Anderson is younger than Brad and it's about that time for her to hang up her ... celebrity? Here's Pam during her last magic show in Las Vegas over the weekend.

I was just in Vegas. And I saw her face everywhere but might've been too dumb or too drunk to understand what it meant. Had I known Pammie was there assisting a magician ... I would've so gone to see her over Dane Cook.

*Errupts in Laughter*
OmGah. I know. I know. I'm hilarious. But no. It's about that time. You can only be naked with ur huge boobs for so long. Does Silicone sag? No huh. Well. Unless she's got some die hard fans, that succumb to her sagging skin but perky breasts, it's time to return to the beach and uh ... not wear uggs and eat graham crackers off of tea plates.

Whoooooa Keen !

2007-12-11T02:03:00.001-07:00

Mmm. There's something about a man dressed in black, leaning on a wall, smoking a cigarette.

Lindsay Lohan is Dirty. Still Sexy !

2007-12-11T02:02:00.000-07:00

Well hello there cute face. Guess what I heard. FROM STAR ! So I know it's true girl. I heard you and the ex completely trashed your hotel room when you visited Shutters Hotel On The Beach in Santa Monica. I just googled shutters and find this to be a complete accusation. Have u seen, well, of course you have. Those rooms are too gorgeous to be fucked up by bloody synringes and drugs.

“Staffers went into clean and were shocked,” says the source. “It was a pigpen. There was filth everywhere and the room stank of cigarette smoke.

“There was also a bloody syringe that someone left lying on the bedside table on a room service tray. Hotel security photographed it before calling someone to remove it because it was considered hazardous waste.”

Huh. So it's hazardous waste and we need to call someone like oh I dunno security to come and have it removed. But not before they take a picture of it and call someone else like the bomb squad. Where's the picture !? Is this article too soon? Should I wait a few more hours before Lindsay's bloody synringe is all over the internet and the cover of People? Ooo. Can't wait. Because ... a bloody synringe means Lindsay's still got it.

*Dances A Jig.*

Bow Wow Is Sex

2007-12-11T02:01:00.000-07:00

with a y. Ugh. This picture looks somewhat young. But homie has that beautiful baby bottom smooth face so I never know. But whatever. Bow Weezie has jumped on the exhaustion/stressed bandwagon which landed him in the hospital on thursday. He's cancelled the remainder of his shows for the week on his tour with Chris Brown and Sean Kingston.

Well Bow. When you live your life doing what others expect and ask of you, it can get somewhat stressful. I'm just saying. Blow something up or eat pussy and leak it. I'd buy it and that'd be at least $12 extra bucks in your pocket. That should put a smile on your face.

Britney Spears Still A Theif

2007-12-11T02:00:00.000-07:00

Britney Spears graced a Los Angeles Chevron with her presence this past weekend. Upon leaving the gas station, she went back and decided to grab a lighter. Y'know, cause she needs fire to light cigarettes and spoons. Here's what's awesome with most of the Britney stories. x17online are hardcore Britney stalkers. So there's a camera around her at all times. This means, the truth cannot be stretched and if it's not on videotape, I don't believe it.

"I stole something. Oh, I'm bad. Ohhhhh!"

So what this says to me is Britney Spears no longer cares. Officially. I had my assumptions about this before but this video and the stealing of the blue lighter has sealed the deal. And shit. If I was Britney Spears, and I stole shit and I had a camera crew who washed my windows, pumped my gas and went back to the places I stole from to pay for me ... I'd do it do. People do whatever others let them get away with doing.

Ivanka Want To Sex You Up

2007-12-11T01:59:00.002-07:00

I don't know what this is for but it's the internet so it's out there. This is Ivanka Trump. The Donald's daughter. But ... she's trying to be sexy. Because what have I always said? EVERYONE'S A DAMN FREAK and when your career isn't going right ... pull up some stockings, open ur legs, get the big fan and grab whip.

It's Called Vanity

2007-12-11T01:59:00.001-07:00

Victoria Beckham, Son Beckham and David Beckham. There is nothing wrong in this picture. Nothing wrong at all. This is called a fairytale. What you're looking at. I watched Barbara Walter's "Most Intriguing People" last night. WHY was Katherine Heigl involved? I dunno. Whatever. But the Beckhams are sooo cute. With their accents and amazing faces. I totally dig their sense of humor as well. No but. David Beckham. *Sigh* David Beckham is TOTALLY in love with Victoria.

"Well ... we've been married 8 years and together for ... 7 ..."
"10 years ! How are we married 8 but together for 7?"

But he KNEW. He said 10 with a frow brow like he's been counting the days. Ahhh. He's so wonderful. I saw one of their videos and said I was going to marry that woman. Everything about him. Everything about him.

Picture Of The Minute

2007-12-11T01:58:00.002-07:00

I'm not above vanity. Which means I'm definately not above finding wonderful looking pictures that have absolutely no meaning and posting them on every blog I have. So that's what's happening here. Probably one of my favorite duo's ever.

Johnny Depp and Tim Burton.

Eva Mendes Is Annoying

2007-12-11T01:58:00.001-07:00

What are the point of these campaign ads? Are they cute? Aww that's so cute. Rather go naked. GO NAKED then. The wonderful thing about Peta, is they think they're going to change the world. So because u have actresses slutting up their hair and make up with their bare asses out ... Ooh. We're helping the animals. If you Eva, with your round ass wanna walk the streets of Los Angeles nude, by all means. I'm sure no one will complain. But don't call doctors and sue people when u get a runny nose. It's winter. What's the best way to cover up? Bear skin rugs. Naaah. Don't twist ur pubic hairs. Wear spandex and tin foil. That should keep u warm. Worked for me.

Britney Spears Cares About Her Appearance

2007-12-11T01:56:00.000-07:00

I guess.

I wonder when magazines and tabloids will go out of business. My dream is to work for a magazine but ... i'm already ahead of the game by waking up. My computer is right there. So it's like, why grab 8 magazines when getting my starbucks in the morning? ESPECIALLY when we're no closer to getting names. Sources Say

“She's always worrying about what she looks like,” one friend of the "Toxic" songtress reveals to OK!. “She checks pictures of herself on the Internet every night and criticizes every single one."

On her checklist: liposuction of the abdomen, hips and thighs ($18,000); a breast lift with change of silicone implants ($25,000); a mini tummy tuck ($18,000); and work on her nose ($20,000). Grand total: $81,000!

I guess that whole Doctor/Patient agreement thing went out of the window in Beverly Hills. I mean when someone gets plastic surgery we obviously KNOW because we're looking at them. But are doctors allowed to give a list? Fuck these people.

I'm just confused. If Britney CARES about her appearance ... why isn't she wearing make-up with expensive extensions? Isn't that what women care about? Their hair and make-up? So if she's so worried about it, why not start slow? Some douchebag cunt fucker suggested she go to Jan Adams. UGH ! If she dies because she's trying to perFECT herself for you motherfuckers. Oh the rage. Oh. The.Rage.

Britney ur ADOOOOOORABLE.
Just ...
Just ... start ... taking promotional pictures and PERFORMING PLACES !! We just need to remember that you're an artist and not someone to stare at while buying a venti and a pack of cigarettes in the morning.

I Think I Like Paris Hilton

2007-12-11T01:55:00.002-07:00

Rephrase. I do like Paris Hilton. Just cause. Why not. Everyone else hates her. because she's rich and had sex and showed her vagina and got drunk and everything that other people do minus the rich part. And her life is so extravagant. Why would you really need to hate this Barbie Doll. & uh hello. She's armed with Britney Spears. Sold.

I Don't Want To Know ... Your Name.

2007-12-11T01:55:00.001-07:00

Alicia Keys is on my motherfuckin nerves as of performing "No One" at the VMA's this year. I mean whatever. Are you ghetto or are you classy? I dunno. Maybe I shouldn't be watching so much MTV but every other fuckin commercial is her. Exploiting bootlegs and her kickin ass in heels. "Bitch." Or sitting on the steps in Brooklyn with an entourage groovin to the beat. Ugh.

Alicia attended the ONDA Awards in Barcelona, Spain. Anything to get drunk and party.

Miss Panties Is A Trip

2007-12-11T01:54:00.003-07:00

Hayden wants to come off as this breathe of fresh air. Ooo. A Celebrity who's not greedy and crazy. She's featured on the cover of Teen Magazine and wants us to know that she's not Lindsay Lohan.

"“The good thing is that I don’t enjoy doing any of the things that [the paparazzi] are interested in catching me doing,” dishes Hayden. ”For God knows what reason, they compare me with Lindsay Lohan! It’s kind of become, ‘All right, you guys can stay there and try knocking me off my horse.’ I want to prove them wrong now.”

Uh. Yeah. Sorry that you're not as neat as Aaron Carter and Jesse McCartney. Maybe you're waiting until you're actually 21 to go out and do those things that photogs want to catch you doing. My only question is. Did you give this interview before or after smoking with Paris Hilton, Romping with Stephan Coletti, Taking tongue pictures with ass cheeks or drinking and being scandalous with your friends? It's a disease Hayden. And you've got it. Don't be ashamed. But turn 21 before you become holier than thou.

Britney Rides With A Male

2007-12-11T01:54:00.001-07:00

OmGah. Sound the alarms. Britney Spears is in her vehicle with a man that is not Justin Timberlake, Kevin Federline, JR Scrotum or Sam Lufti. WHAT'S GOING ON !? We're all lost without the knowledge of this man's name! Someone help me. SOMEONE HELP ME !

Calm down. I've figured it out. His name is Robert Edie and he is a real estate agent. Haters frequently ask me if there is anything that Britney has done that I disagree with. My answer has always been No. Until now.

And not so much as disagreeing. More like I'm questioning. Britney's hanging out with this real estate agent man while she has a huge ass mansion in The Summit in Beverly Hills but spends most of her nights at The Four Seasons. Maybe I'm weird but. If I was a celebrity, I'd have a pretty sick ass bachelorette pad. As in Condo. Not a mansion. But that's just because I'm making sure I have more than enough to purchase every purse on the planet. But whatever. I'm not the Queen B. So maybe buying houses is her purse addiction.

Oh Vicky Dahling, Don't Be Silly

2007-12-11T01:53:00.001-07:00

Victoria Beckham looks absolutely major as she graces the January 2008 cover of Elle Magazine. Turns out Victoria Beckham might be exactly who we think she is.

On David Beckham:
"I sleep naked. I'm going to be naked if I'm getting in bed with him [husband David Beckham] every night."

On somehow being a Spice Girl:
“It became very obvious from the start that I was never going to be the best singer or the best dancer or the best actress. I was never a 'natural.' You know, I've never been that good at anything, to be completely honest.”

On being a fashion designer:
“I work seven days a week. And I so love what I'm doing. I could go shopping all day, which is what a lot of people think that I do. That's their perception-that I'm a miserable bitch and go shopping all day and boss David about.”

On finding out she’s popular on Halloween:
“Someone told me I'm going to feature big this year with the drag queens.” She loves this. “I'm so camp! I'm such a gay man trying to get out. I don't give a shit what anybody thinks.”

Let's take a minute and direct our attention back to the first interview question. This is what the fuck's up. I'm in your boat with a paddle Victoria. I'd sleep naked too if David motherfuckin Beckham was warm and chistled next to me. I'm naked baby. Ready Willing and Waiting.

But. What's going on with all these celebrities admiting that they're not anything special? Jodie Foster was just given an award for being powerful. Her response, "I'm actually really weak." WTF. Take this award and save your weakness for your basement. Uhck. And now we have Victoria basically admitting that she should've never been a Spice Girl. I'm an SG fan. Last night I stopped and did the dance right along with them. But I do remember always referring to Victoria as "that one" or "the one in black." I never understood why she WAS in the group to begin with. But now I know. Right Place. Right Time. Right Daddy.

Tara Reid Knows What's Up

2007-12-11T01:52:00.000-07:00

now this is what the fuck i'm talking about. when i say i'm going shopping, I'm GOING shopping. i'm not satisfied unless i'm pissed that i'm holding so many sacks.

tara reid went shopping at ed hardy and probably had to ignore the chuckles from the sidelines. sources say that tara was only paid $3500 to host The Hookers Ball.

"She had to drop her inflated price to a bargain-basement fee of about $3,500 when nobody would bite, Sydney Confidential reports. The surgically-enhanced sexpot was most recently seen cavorting for cash at the taste-challenged gala called the Hookers Ball in Darwin."

yeah. let's all laugh. because the last time i checked i was waking up at 8am to work 8 hours a day NOT to make $3500 in two weeks. so fuck your laughter. i'll take $3500 to get naked with gay men ANYday. rock on tara.

Lily Allen. Officially My Newest Idol.

2007-12-11T01:50:00.000-07:00

Oh Lily.
How I said this exact thing about u forever ago. And now that you've shed ur insecurity ... you're actually ADMITTING to being a jealous bitch.

"A lot of that stuff I said was because I didn’t feel confident,” she says. “”I felt like, ‘Oh God, I’m short, fat, ugly…and I hate all these people who flaunt their beauty.’ Ever since a kid I’ve felt like I’m possibly the uncoolest, naffest person ever to walk the earth. But I feel great at the moment. I actually don’t have one bad thing to say about anything.”

Jealous females who admit they're bitchy because they are a jealous female get my vote.

BRITNEY SPEARS IS MY MOTHERFUCKIN IDOL !

2007-12-03T15:51:00.004-07:00

She's got great taste. No seriously. Lately, I've noticed that whatever Britney's doing I slowly morph into doing it as well. FOLLOWER !!!! Her cute bun head ... ask me how my hairs been all week. Go ahead and ask me. All those starbucks drinks I see her with. Guess how many times I've gone to Starbucks this week. Tight Jeans in her boots. Ask me how many times ... alright you get it. and im not ashamed and that's why I'll admit it. I don't care. Everyone has an idol. Someone they mirror. AND MINE JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE BRITNEY LYNN SPEARS ! OMGAH I COULD CRY !

At that point, Spears threw a fit, and took off her own underwear before trying on a pair of boyshorts (with "Barely Legal' stitched across the rear end) in the middle of the store while 15 other customers looked on.
An eyewitness tells Us, "The employees kept saying 'Don't change out here!' She's just like, 'Well, I couldn't take them in the fitting room!' It was like dealing with a child."

“She rolled her eyes, but paid with a credit card," the source tells Us. As payback, "on her way out, she went up to a mannequin, snatched the wig off the head, and stole it!"

1. Is that acting like a child? I'm going to go try these bootyshorts on in the dressing room ... Oh i can't ... well then okay. I'm not a prude so i'll do it here. Hahaha. Or is the whole thing a situation because ... you're not supposed to try on panties in stores? i dunno. MAYBE she could've left hers on. But at least there won't be crotch grease and pubes. We know babygirl shaves. But ... "as 15 other customers looked on." TURN THE FUCK AROUND ! "Oh it was so horrible. that disaster. HAVING TO WATCH her do that." people are fuckin DUUUMB. Anyone shopping in HUSTLER offended by this situation is rank and needs to be banned from the store.

2. lol

3. *sigh* *Swoon* *Drool*

4. Britney Spears went to Hustler

5. i need to go to Hustler tonight and buy those panties

6. Great description. Great description. You know what the non photog people of Los Angeles lack? VIDEO CAMERAS. I mean shit. You work in Hollywood/Los Angeles. Why not start recording shit instead of dialing '0' for the operator so u can vomit "GET ME US WEEKLY." I would've loved to see Britney pout her way out of the door while grabbing a wig off of a mannequin. Why didn't anyone get a shot of the now bald mannequin?

7. I'm not impressed with these half assed stories. No seriously. Should I save 2 paychecks before moving out there to take over or 4? Because ... I think I'm ready for the city. But the real question is: Are Mark and Britney ready for ME!?

Dun. Dun. Dun. Oooo scary. Ashlie's crazy. whhhhaaa. BASICALLY. my mind okay's every single thing this chick does and that's acceptable. Because it's my mind and i'm allowed to use it how I want. and i think britney spears IS a role model. Everyone else thinks she's insane, psychotic, crazy, looped out of her mind. But I just think she's a Louisiana girl ... livin in Los Angeles ... Makin millions ... Makin Mistakes ... And Gettin Them All Caught On Film. Whatever. At least her chilrens chilren will have documents of that one time Grandma went bra and panty dipping in the Pacific Ocean.

Wooooow. Grandma's cooooooooool.

Britney Spears Is Pregnant !!!

2007-12-03T15:51:00.003-07:00

Nah uh. Yes huh. Nah uh. Yes huh. How do u know? Because inTouch has a picture of them texting JR Scrotum and he confirms ! Duh.

Really. Is this our proof? Is this what they mean by "Source." Hah. That's cute. I can't tell u how many times I've gotten a sexual text in my inbox and changed the name to Mark Wahlberg. You better give me something better than this. & just for shits and giggles. Who's they? THEY say Britney's Pregnant. Hahaha. I LOVE the They.

How about we try something like ... Britney's stopped drinking ... stopped smoking ... stopped buying the same size clothes ... y'know. Something other than a month old picture of her before she went to Vegas to get it sucked out. Jeezes. GET WITH IT !

Note: it sucked out pertains to the fat. not the baby. even though that'd be just as funny.

Lindsay Lohan & .... Stavros?

2007-12-03T15:51:00.001-07:00

.Giggles.

Who is this oil tycoon man with the flavalicious name? Because all the girlies want him. And he wants all the girlies. But ... why is he getting all the girlies who constantly have cameras around. Oh. I get it. Haha. Stav u almost had me confused. You say u hate the camera because you really love it. But don't want us to think ur like everyone else and LOVE the attention. That's always why your hand is up, ur jacket's on ur head or you're running into other vehicles trying to drive like a blind man. But you know pretend hatred still gets Stavros Nia ... Niar ... Stavros dating someone new.

BUT AHOY !! OMG !! LINDSAY AND STAVROS WERE AT THE SAME CLUB. LET'S PHOTOSHOP THEM INTO ONE PICTURE AND START SOME SHIT. OOO MAYBE PARIS WILL GET PISSED AND LIKE ... DRIVE TO LINDSAY'S HOUSE AND SCREAM THINGS AND THROW EGGS. PRINT IT ! PRINT IT ! PRINT IT !

Tila Tequila Is A Fake

2007-12-03T15:50:00.000-07:00

I almost wanna stop writing. about this hollywood bullshit. because i'm not understanding this whole SOURCE thing. if a "source" is close to the person in question, doesn't that technically make them a friend? So why are all these friends running to these magazines?

"It’s “all a sham,” says a source close to the show. “Tila has and has had a boyfriend for over a year, and she’s not really bi. She’s made out with some girls in her past, as all girls have, but she is not bi at all.” Our insider claims that MTV works hard to pretend she’s single and available because she refuses to break up with her boyfriend, “who’s like five years older than her. This is a massive scam . . . That’s why they are not continuing with the show [for a second season], because she won’t dump him.”

alright. i'm going to ask you to scroll (if necessary) back up and take a look at the picture i've posted. uhh ... does it really matter if the show is fake or not? does it? Tila Tequila is sexy as SHIT and has the cutest giggle i've ever heard in my life. So who cares if she's pretending to be bi sexual on a television show for ratings. Because if we're going to get technical ... every movie I've ever seen was fake and I should be reimbursed because I thought it was all true.

"Tequila has also been acting like “a diva” and become a “nightmare to work with,” said the source. “She arrives late and doesn’t talk to any of the contestants between takes. She complains she has too much going on.” A rep for Tequila said, “I’ll confirm that she’s bisexual and she’s a delight to work with.”

Lesson. Diva's rule Hollywood. If you're a sappy bitch who must complain about your BOSS WHO'S PAYING YOU to run and fetch her coffee like the little bitch you are ... leave the industry. Isn't everyone striving for Hollywood so they too can have 8 assistants, 3 small purse puppies and a driver? Or is the "new" Hollywood becoming famous so they can save the world? I'm lost. But if it's option 2, count me out.

Alive And Well I See

2007-11-30T13:17:00.000-07:00

Christina Ricci was probably my favorite actress growing up. CASPER ... NOW AND THEN ... WHAAAT !! Oh yeah. I love me some Ricci. And she's so ... unique. Her look. I love her. Here she is by a pool, with shades, Parliaments, drinking and pondering.

Brooke Hogan Entices

2007-11-30T13:16:00.002-07:00

Brooke & Kim are SERIOUSLY my inspiration.
Jeezes.

Brad Pitt Doubts Himself

2007-11-30T13:16:00.001-07:00

Brad Pitt has allowed Angelina Jolie to totally corrupt his mind. Having a demon for a girlfriend and babies from around the world does not make you OLD Bradley. Ugh.

"I figure I've got very few films left. Who knows how many I'll get to do now, so I want to do something I'm interested in...I think it's a younger person's game."

A younger person's game? What. Are you 94? Bradley, go into your bathroom and chant your name three times. Ssh. Ssh. It's okay just do it. but make sure you'r chanting. a simple "brad" doesn't work. Oh. Your lights flickered, the bathroom steamed and Sexiest Man Ever showed up on the mirror?

Well alright. My work here is done.

Mischa? Mischa Barton !?

2007-11-30T13:14:00.000-07:00

HELLO ORANGE COUNTY NATIVE !!!

Mischa Barton graces this month's issue of Arena claiming to be a good girl gone bad. Was she good before !? Cause she did ads for KEDS? I'm not too sure. But now ... she's staring me down with those naughty bedroom eyes showing off arms and legs. Uhoh. UH-OH ! Watchout Now!

PICTURE OF THE MINUTE !

2007-11-30T13:13:00.000-07:00

CORDELIA !!!! Are u stepping back onto the screen !? Is the Buffy The Vampire Slayer cast in cahoots to get back out there !? I've seen Buffy ... Willow and Now Cordelia within a week and a half. BUT IT'S OKAY ! Because I love naked backs, cute panties and awesome faces.

Miss. Puerto Rico is attacked ... err a liar?

2007-11-30T13:12:00.000-07:00

I think once you've found a look that suits you. Ya know ... that looks good on you ... you should stick with it. Not all women can go curly and Miss. Puerto Rico is one of them. Stay straight and red.

Anyway, this woman said someone sprayed her pageant dress with pepper spray and she broke out into hives twice ! Hah. Girls will be Bitches. Girls. Women. Grandma's. Females. Bitches until death. OO that's a shirt. Jot that down. BUT NOW ... everyone is rushing to the internet to be the FIRST to say she was lying. They're wondering why we didn't see her hive ridden face on screen and WHY she was wearing "the peppered" dress all night at the after party.

“They’re saying, they think she made it up?” Vieira [of The View] asked reporter Kerry Sanders, who replied: “They’re looking into it. They’re curious.”

Rivera is due to be interviewed on Wednesday’s Today show, where, on Tuesday, co-anchor Matt Lauer said he intended to get to the bottom of the mystery.

DOES IT MATTER MEREDITH !?!? DOES IT !? Did the judges give her the title because of the pepper in her dress or did she win because she's beautiful and knows how to win a motherfuckin pageant !? Miss World Caribbean 2005 ... Miss World Puerto Rico 2005 and Miss Global Queen 2003. Guess who holds the sash? Ingrid Marie Rivera.

So unless Magali Febles (the pageant director) who is close friends with Ingrid (Miss. Puerto Rico) and her family rigged FOUR pageants ... i say there's no need to get our panties in a bunch. Unless ... we're like ... changing it up and banning lying to get ahead. *shrug*

Grandma Has An Open Mind

2007-11-30T13:09:00.000-07:00

I normally fall asleep or wake up to Tila Tequila on my television screen. This happens because MTV is kind and makes SURE they have the most recent episode of anything on 12 times before the next one. They get even more generous when they say, "once is not enough. let's show the recent and then the entire season in this 6 hour block."

MTV really makes me happy with their decision making because I know that's free DVR space for networks that don't do re runs.

Greatest line ever: Put that little booty on these knees.

I died and rewound 27 times.

I'm Sorry If You're Confused. Let Me Help You

2007-11-30T13:06:00.001-07:00

Some people might have the impression that I think Megan Fox is well, a Fox. And some would be wrong. Most would go with I think she's a goddess and should be on display in New York so when immigrants come to this country they say ... Ahhh. American. Sexy. Pretty.

and then they'll forever know what we as Americans find attractive. Strive for it Turkey. STRIVE FOR IT !!!!!!!!

Oh So That's Who You Are

2007-11-30T13:05:00.001-07:00

This chick. The new annoying little sister of Meredith Grey is the same chick who played Rachel Leigh Cook from She's All That turned sexy ooo she's so hot walker througher of Marilyn Manson's remake of Tainted Love.

That's right hot bitch.
Show us that leg with the purple fishnets.
Now all we need is the other leg spread in the same position. I'm a genius.
Sex Sells !

Again ... With The Lily Allen

2007-11-30T13:04:00.001-07:00

Lily Allen is the only celebrity who has said this. and now I like her even more because this is exactly what the fuck I would do. Minus the chickens and pigs.

“Maybe I could retire at 25. I’m only going to do one more album,” the singer, 22, tells Britain’s Sunday Times.

“It’s a great job, but it doesn’t leave time for what’s important. Like having a family,” she says. “I’d like to live in the country and have a walled garden, and chickens and pigs.”

Touche. you know what MY dream is after making millions. I'm moving to Greece and having sex with any man who pertrudes from the beautiful waters below my Bunaglo. Family is for poor americans.

Geri Halliwell Owns

2007-11-30T13:03:00.002-07:00

Emma, Mel C, Victoria omg im so absolutely fabulous and majah Beckham and Geri Halliwell showed up to support their 5th bandmate, Mel B as she tried to win, Dancing With The Stars on Monday night.

That's my Geri.
Always standing out.

Calm Down. Calm Down.

2007-11-30T13:03:00.001-07:00

Sigh.
Drool.
Masturbate.
Proceed with Life.

Die Bitch! Die!

2007-11-30T13:00:00.002-07:00

1. ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT !

2. WHY IS HE ON THE COVER OF A MAGAZINE !?

3. WHY IS KEVIN FEDERLINE ALIVE !?

4. KEVIN FEDERLINE AND THE 50 MOST INFLUENTIAL MEN UNDER 45.

uhm. excuse me while i VOMIT for the sixth time. this entire issue is all fucked up and wrong. "and" would imply that he was included in that 50. BULLSHIT ! KEVIN FEDERLINE ... ON A MAGAZINE ... WITH AN EXPENSIVE WATCH ... THINKING HE'S SOMEBODY ... THE POWER AND INFLUENCE ISSUE.

WHAT THE FUCK !
I'll be at Barnes & Noble after work READING THE FUCK out of this article. Because I don't like to JUDGE situations before I know everything. BUT I KNOW ... they are not associating KEVIN FUCKING FEDERLINE with ANYTHING powerful or INFLUENTIAL !!!!!!

RAGE !

Who Shot Kong?

2007-11-30T13:00:00.001-07:00

This 24 year old sexy face was shot in the upper leg during a home invasion over the weekend.

The Pro Bowl safety had taken a bullet in his upper leg, reports the AP, damaging an artery, causing serious blood loss and loss of consciousness. According to his former lawyer, Richard Sharpstein, Taylor seemed to show signs of recovery when he squeezed a nurse’s hand late Monday night, but never regained consciousness thereafter.

Fly on the wall. I wonder if sexy face charged the intruder or if he was peaceful in his bed when the FUCKER entered his room to steal shit. Either way, houses should come equip with Panic Rooms. But no one should have the same. Some should be behind the fridge, some under the toilet and some behind the stove. Ooo and all the panic rooms come with shot guns, camera's and ripe raptor eggs. Sick em.

New Trend For The Season?

2007-11-30T12:59:00.001-07:00

Shirts and Lingerie are the new dresses with tights.

We're Never Satisfied

2007-11-30T12:58:00.001-07:00

So remember when everyone on the planet was saying, OMG YOU'RE RICH ! HIRE A DRIVER !!!! Well, Brit Brit did hire a driver but he's already quit due to "liability." & now we're teasing her.

Awwhh! *Faints like woman in a scary movie*

LIABILITY. Guess what asshole. You're the man behind the machine. FUCK BITCHES UP ! You're in charge. YOU have what everyone wants in the backseat, you're in control. Run over feet and break cameras.

But Britney Spears, her children and the court ordered monitered will be safe in their seats. Get some shades ... You know what. I'm moving to Los Angeles this weekend. I'LL be Britney's driver. C'mon paps. Fuck with me. It'll be fun.

Oh C'mon Riley !

2007-11-30T12:57:00.001-07:00

You know what the greatest idea in the world is. Are u ready for this? Grab a seat. Going to rehab. Meeting a guy in rehab. And bringing him home with u, so he can go out and party while you shop with your little sister and mom.

“Lindsay is trying to fill her time with nondrinking and nonpartying activities,” a Lohan friend told us.

While the fashion-savvy star spent Friday and Saturday shopping at Armani Exchange and Intermix with her mom and sister, her new boyfriend slept late on Saturday, having partied the night before at Pink Elephant.

“Lindsay and Ali were having so much fun shopping, and Lindsay was helping her little sister pick out clothes,” said a source, who saw the girls on Black Friday.

A Lohan friend said: “Riley was not very well behaved when he came back to New York with Lindsay. He was out every night without her, and I’m not sure how much longer that relationship is going to last.”

Yeah. Nonalcoholic & Nonpartying activies. That's cute. But she's Lindsay Lohan so instead of going out every night making friends with people who don't even care about her, she's dropping dough at Armani. Yeah. Yeah. Seems like a fair trade off to me. AS FOR RILEY ! I dunno. I don't really see the problem other than his girlfriend being NO-TOOOR-IOUS [say it like the p puff diddy daddy BIG song] for partying. But. Everyone handles situations differently. Party on !

My Christmas Wish This Year

2007-11-30T12:04:00.000-07:00

is for the Hogans to have happy lives apart.

Hulk and Big Boobs are getting a divorce. Brooke wants to break out on her own because she's too sexy to be stalked in a yellow vehicle by her dad and Nick. Well. Prison.

So much is happening to the hogans. So much negativity. So Santa. I would like to ask you to bring them all some happiness in the year 2008.

Thank You.

Nicole Richie. Awww.

2007-11-30T12:01:00.000-07:00

Talk about one of my idols turned normal. Psha. BUT, I still love Nicole. Her attitude is something I strive for.

When I found out that I was pregnant, there was just something inside of me that felt a responsibility to mend any issues that I’ve had with my parents in the past, because, listen, I’ve put them through a lot.”

Richie, 25, adds that she has spent time bonding with boyfriend Joel Madden’s mother, and her dad, too. “[The baby] is all he talks about, actually,” Richie jokes, adding that he doesn’t want the baby to call him “grandpa.”

I like to know everything,” she says, “If he wasn’t at every doctor’s appointment, I probably would have found out by now just behind his back and not told him.”

“I got to hold something for when I get older,” she says, “I can’t have everything happen in one year.”

1. Nicole admits to putting her parents through a lot. Noooo ... Really!?

2. Lionel doesn't want the baby to call him grandpa. Because that would be typical and well ... Richie's and Madden's cannot be considered typical. Nosiree.

3. Wait. Nicole wants to know the sex of her baby but Joel doesn't? So ... they both can't know? I'll never have a relationship. Sorry Douche. IF I WANNA KNOW I'M GONNA KNOW. It's like I have no acknowledgement of "other people" and what they want.

4. & she's not going to get married right now, even though she may want to because ... what are we going to look forward to in 2008 or 9 if she's already married with baby this year? Booooring. Make us wait Nic. & then have a ... pimps n hoes baby was an accident wedding. OMG !! Hopefully i'll have made a mark by then and i'll be invited. I'll even take the pictures. But don't worry. I wouldn't DARE try and sell them for a measley $3k. I know right. I thought Paris was a little ill too.

You People DO NOT Fool Me

2007-11-30T12:00:00.000-07:00

Give me ONE reason OTHER THAN SEX APPEAL confusion that Rhianna would need to wear this. I'll be waiting.

So there's this black guy who likes pot

2007-11-30T11:59:00.000-07:00

and before u go throwing around the, "don't be a racist" statement ... He's a rapper. Oooo. Bryan Williams aka Birdman BLING BLING EVERY TIME I COME AROUND YO CITAY BLANG BLANG ! good song. good song. Oh. Uhm. Yeah.

Blingsation was on an RV wafting around with his POUND of Marijuana with 16 of his homies when the driver fucked everything up and made an IMPROPER LANE CHANGE ! That's insane to me. When you're DRIVING with pot on your person, you better cruise control that bitch and keep the windows down.

I'm new to the game and know that rule. C'mon now. So basically, once their wheels crossed the white line, police officers had to y'know SEARCH the entire space ship because "they could smell it." Upon entering the house on wheels ... they found an assault rifle, a handgun and a magazine for a .45. Ooo. A MAGAZINE FOR ONE. That's so scary it had to be mentioned.

So basically ... A rapper ... with a lot of pot ... and a lot of friends ... with guns ... goes to jail.

what is this world coming to?

Lindsay Lohan. New Album?

2007-11-30T11:57:00.000-07:00

Now we all know my relationship with Lindsay is strictly sexual. This means, i'm not like front row for her movies or camping outside of Target for her CD's. I'm simply in awe of her existence.

A source at Universal Music Group tells us she’ll soon start recording her third album, rumored to be titled “Nobody’s Angel.” The tipster said, “She’s only recording because of a contractual obligation to Universal,” which released her second album. Another insider insisted, “Lindsay always planned to release a third album.”

& this ladies and gentlemen is the perfect example of how everyone's lying. The source says Lindsay's only doing an album out of obligation [good word, good word] to Universal. & then ANOTHER insider says, "She's always wanted to do one." What's the real reason? DOES IT MATTER !? No. Nothing matters. The point is, I'll be in line for this one. Nobody's Angel? You're sending sensations to the right area Lindsay. Mhm. & my assumption (more like hope) is that she'll write the lyrics ... and there will be an amazing song on there giving us insight into her coke induced car crash this past summer.

Some people want to be doctors and help the less fortunate and have realizations at the age of 21 that "the little shit" doesn't matter. But some of us live day to day carrying purses that cost more than rent, starbucks in the left hand and refreshing the Hollywood section of their favorites HOPING Lindsay Lohan has graced it.

Now. I don't wanna be mean.

2007-11-30T11:56:00.001-07:00

But Jennifer. as in Love Hewitt. What's ... What's going on here? I rewound your hanes commercial four times last night because I think you're the cutest little button. And then I wake up and BOOM ! Ass. Cheese. Ocean. Bikini Bottom. I'm not too sure Hanes will be thrilled about these pictures.

“They got engaged last week,” her rep tells Us. The couple is currently vacationing in Hawaii."

But this entire situation will be solved in about two weeks. Jennifer Love Hewitt is currently vacationing in Hawaii with her brand new Fiance. Aww. So ya know. She's allowed to eat. When you leave the grounds of Hollywood, it's okay to become a real person. So i'm not worried. She got off that plane and said, WHERE'S THE PIG WITH THE APPLE IN IT'S MOUTH and tilted her head back for some shots. With her Fian. And u know how people get when they get took. Comfortable. I already have my significant other. I'm allowed to let myself go.

Jennifer will return home ... call up the personal trainer ... call up the chef ... and we'll see her PURPOSELY out in another bikini ... in December ... showing us her newfound goods. Can't wait.

Psh. Makes Sense To Me Paris

2007-11-30T11:54:00.001-07:00

*Gasp* Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are friends again guys !! Paris even "helped" plan Nicole's awesome Wizard of Oz themed baby shower weeks ago. Aww.

“Nicole and I have been playing together since we were two years old. I was just telling her, ‘I want a baby so that our babies can play together.’”

“[Nicole] is really excited, and happy, and a little scared,” Hilton said.

“I don’t have a boyfriend right now,” the Simple Life star insisted. “But I would love to start a family.”

What's the issue here? That Paris hilton wants to have children which is uh, Hilton business not American. That she doesn't have a boyfriend right now but wants a family? Or the fact that she wants to have a baby RIGHT NOW because she wants her child and Nicole's child to grown up and be mini them?

Either option is great to me. I mean, Paris is just looking out for her child and nicole's. Everyone should have a friend. Paris and Nicole ... Mini Hilton and Richie ... C'mon. And then when I give birth, my son can have a crush on the Mini's and I can tell him ... these are the kind of girls you want to like. Because even though promiscuous, at least u know UP FRONT what you're getting ur dick excited for. And the award for parent of the year goes to.

Britney Spears is awkward and weird and like eww

2007-11-30T11:51:00.000-07:00

Britney Spears reportedly has a secret fantasy room that she has hidden behind "double doors" of her mansion on Mulholland Drive. Does Britney live on Mulholland now? Last year new years, i got lost with my bestie in Malibu. The only thing that kept me sane was the fact that Britney Spears had driven her Mercedes tires on that exact street. And now you're telling me that when I make the circular drive up Mulholland, i'll have that rush of exstasy all over again? Oh me oh my !

“She wears Catholic schoolgirl uniforms, a maid’s uniform and a Cinderella outfit,” claims the mole. The source also contends Brit is so obsessed with Marilyn Monroe that she wants her nose redone to look like the blond model of self-destruction.

“Britney is sexually obsessed,” the source tells Star.

the house is a stinky sty, that the white couches bear hideous stains of diaper-changing and Britney’s dog. According to the tab, a “court-appointed watchdog” is set to declare the place a potential “health hazard.”

1. Britney, I love you.

2. She wears costumes, during the act of sex? what the fuck is that? Ugh. She's totally lost it. OUT OF CONTROL she is.

3. Someone on this planet likes Marilyn Monroe? Wasn't she that one chick who helped the president cheat, sold her soul to Hollywood and became one of the biggest sex icons ... ever? Idol? Pattern?

4. IF YOU ARE NOT A BRITNEY SPEARS FAN ... DON'T GET IN HER WAY !!

So this "mole" as they say gained access to Britney's house and was close enough to her to be shown the secret sex room ... and now here this bitch is telling us Britney has shit stains on her couch from her babies and the dog? If you went in the house without the inhaler mask doctors and nail technicians use ... that's on you mole. SO STFU.

Lindsay Lohan Is Drinking Again

2007-11-30T11:49:00.001-07:00

and why the fuck shouldn't she. are we seeing the same picture here? SHE IS SO SEXY. and u know what i say about sexy people. they need to be drunk at all times. because drunk sexy people equals drunk sex which equals good times. DUH !!

“She has been drinking a little bit,” a pal tells us. “Over her week in New York, she did have a few drinks.”

But the source says Lindsay’s alcohol intake was in moderation.

“For Lindsay, her real problem was drugs, not alcohol. In the past, it wasn’t the drinking that was the problem - it was the heavy drug use,” says the friend. “The drug use was way more intense than her party drinking. As long as she isn’t doing drugs, she’s okay.”

Tuesday, Lindsay’s spokeswoman assured us the actress was not consuming alcohol. “These so-called friends are making up things about her,” she said.

oh ruin all the fun person who had to tell the tabloids lindsay perferred DRUGS over BOOZE. But whatever. Drugs, Booze, Sex, Sexy Face. 3 out of 4 aint bad.

Keri Russell with always have my heart.

2007-11-30T11:48:00.001-07:00

Keri Russell has blown up. I remember wednesday nights in middle school when i'd camp out in my living room under my blanket with my popcorn watching Felicity, Ben, Noel, Javier, u get the point. OMG ! Felcity is, was and always will be my favorite show EVER. I love it. Have all four seasons in my closet right now. Waiting to be raped again.

But until then, Keri has started to show up in the business again. and not on the WB turned CW ... but on the big screen. Sources say she's in negotiations to film opposite Adam Sandler in a Disney movie called, "Bedtime Stories."

Keri Russell ... Disney ... Bedtime Stories ... bring it the fuck on felicity. Bring it. The fuck. On!

tara reid is starting to understand

2007-11-30T11:46:00.000-07:00

Tara ! Don't make me come out there. Hollywood A lister and STAR of American Pie? No. The only stars in that movie were average joe guy's dick and that pie. OH and stiffler of course. That sexy fuck. But this is what i'm talking about. People need to know their calling and run with it. You're a hot little chica. So be a hot little chica. THAT'S YOU ! You're already in the game girl. Know ur role.

“It’s a night like your ‘pimps and prostitutes’ or sleaze balls, and it’s just a night of less is best,” hospitality manager Guy Dunne said.

“We thought Tara Reid would be a great choice … it’s a very naughty night and an opportunity to put your inhibitions down.”

Who's this, Guy Dunne person? I want him to be my new bestie. and i want to work wherever he works. He's partying on a sunday night and giving quotes like "less is best" and "opportunity to put your inhibitions down." so basically tara reid is hosting a get drunk naked and have sex party. LIFE ! the only drama this sunday night should be which flavor condom u wanna strap on.

christina aguilera is pregnant and naked.

2007-11-30T09:02:00.001-07:00

on marie Claire and that's pretty much it. other than the fact that i look exactly like this ... only black and not pregnant. society needs to come out with a stomach pill or exercise that LEAVES THE REST OF YOUR BODY ALONE and only works the stomach. lol. because im sick of fitting shit but it not looking right. which obviously means it doesn't fit but it should but because i ate ice cream for 23 years, it's doesn't.

damn u christina and ur pregnant stomach that will go away sooner than mine. Marie Claire ... Ooo ... isn't marie calendar that resturant with the great pies. i want one.

avril sells out

2007-11-23T20:58:00.000-07:00

omg. whisper whisper whisper. avril lavigne has totally sold out. i mean look at her. she's ... smiling ... wearing a dress ... with heels. ewww. sell out. no one go to her shows because she's a sell out. because she's not flipping anyone off or spitting. sell out. ugh. avril. sucha sell out.

Avril and her cute pink strip attended the american music awards last night. and this is how much of an amazing blogger I am. i didn't watch it because ... uhm ... i was building huts in my backyard for the family of rabbits that ever so kindly ... hahahaha ... if u smoke like i smoke then ur high like everyday. and that ... labias and genitals is why i missed the awards.

but im glad i missed it. no britney spears performance ... avril lavigne smiling and jennifer lopez winning latin female artist of the year. boo hiss lemon juice on ur open skin.

mama has some good advice

2007-11-23T20:57:00.002-07:00

so im going to go ahead and give you option a or option b. you must pick one cause im sick of this shit.

option a

anyone under the age of 18 must wear a cloak. and im not talkin a cute chanel, show a little leg cloak. oh no no. i'm talkin nun cloak. no skin. you show no skin. ever. until you're 18.

option b

take away statutory rape.

i am so sick and tired of these girls who are trying to be adults with their boobs out in mommie's lipstick with their legs open on myspace ... but then running for the rope or the police when something wants to go down.

am i the only one who realizes men zoom in on skin? cleavage? ass? legs? face ... haha. i know, that made me laugh too. but face has skin so it's by default. but i mean ... i should be able to wear whatever i want ... is for the birds. u wear what u wanna wear and if it just so happens to catch the attention of the approaching male ... ohfuckinwell 10 year old. AND WHO THE FUCK ARE THE PARENTS !?

myspace killed my daughter. myspace broke me and my boyfriend up. myspace did this. myspace did that. did myspace buy ur web cam with ur cute little "sexy bitch" panties? did it? did myspace make u respond to the message from the 28 year old man? and when said man asked u ur age ... did u lie? OF COURSE U DID !! because who doesn't want a man fancying them? Hmm. Oh but make sure he looks like david beckham and not peewee herman because we will ... have an issue.

my achy breaky heart is on the line here Miley. Or Hannah Montana. Or whatever's making u the big bucks. I see u. with ur tongue out like that. women have tongues so they can suck the dick. and to help us talk i guess but nobody really needs any of that. so keep ur tongue, arms and legs inside the ride until you're of masturbation age alright. ALRIGHT !? alright. mama knows best my child. mama knows best.

amy winehouse makes me cry a little

2007-11-23T20:57:00.001-07:00

i fuckin love this chick. i fuckin love all these "whores" in hollywood right now. everyone not givin a fuck. tellin society and other human beings to fuck off with their neglect for social skills.

Eventually a female crew member said over the tannoy: “Our famous little friend is smoking in the toilet. It’s just that the smoke alarm hasn’t gone off yet,” according to The Sun.

Police have said that no complaint has been made, despite smoking on flights being illegal.

The moody singer was rushed away by minders as soon as the plane landed and she swore at a girl who asked her to pose for a photograph.

One of the passengers on the flight told The Sun: “She was lolling in her seat and looked totally out of it.

“She kept locking herself in the toilet. Other passengers were having to troop to the other end of the plane and were getting annoyed.”

He said that when the air hostess made her announcement Amy “was so zonked” that she didn’t know what was going on.

Another infuriated passenger, a 23-year-old woman, said: “It’s one rule for her and another one for us. I’d have been arrested if I was caught smoking in the toilet and rightly so. Fair enough she’s stressed out but it’s not exactly a long-haul flight.”

A British Airways spokesman said cabin crew denied they had made the announcement, but there could be an internal investigation.

oooh. our famous little friend. well ... if she's ur friend ... and famous ... why the annoyance of having me read all ur quarky english words? don't bitch and moan because someone else is doing what u want to do but you're too scared to do. okay. because if anyone else on that flight was that addicted to nicotine and needed a cigarette right then and there, light up. if u have the patience and the money to be wisked away to jail for the night for that one hardcore drag, smoke up. if not ... cover ur nose and be pissed. amy winehouse does not care about you ! one of the misfortunes of living on this planet is not everyone gives a fuck. so just because u don't smoke ciggies "in the toilet", eat mcdonalds a lot, or have amazing hair for hiding drugs in ... doesn't mean you'll never come across someone else who will.

so boo hoo waa u have to take ur new pants suit back to the cleaners and go back to rochelle to get ur hair re done because that bitch on the plane was smoking and now u stink. it's called bath n body works ladies. bath n body works. spray spray.

jonathan rhys meyer should be a rapist.

2007-11-23T20:56:00.000-07:00

hahah ! look at those im comin around the corner in the dark rape eyes. jeezes. jonathan rhys-meyers was arrested sunday afternoon in dublin for, "drunkenness and breach of the peace."

look at the bright side people, at least he didn't rape anyone. although, that would've been nicer. i'm sick of the drunk charges. it's like ... we process alcohol so everyone can have amazing weekends with 79 mistakes that get broadcasted everywhere so the oh so famous, "but i was drunk" can be used ... but don't abuse it. don't drink and then drive. stay put. don't drink and walk. because someone might hear u. and heaven forbid ur in the market for tootsie rolls and wanna stop at a lasexy !

JRM gets kudos from me. drunk ... in public ... in ireland ... with that face. i mean ... what else are sexy people in ireland supposed to do !? why are there even drinking laws over there !? that's like me loading up the jet to go to amsterdam and getting arrested for not giving a fuck.

vile and disgusting

2007-11-23T20:55:00.000-07:00

lindsay lohan seems to think it's okay to completely disobey my wishes and hang out with samantha ronson. the girl "blamed" for lindsay's ~~downward spiral~~ when she was a 20 year old clubber and drinking machine. at 20. as in 20 years old. as in, i am 20 years old and like to hang out and drink alcohol. BLASPHEMY lindsay. that's what i say to u. tramp.

“It’s frustrating that I have to make a comment about my friends, but apparently taking the high road only generates false allegations. Those who know me know the truth. I’m not sure where or why these rumours started, but that’s all they are.”

well samantha ronson ... when said friend is lindsay lohan ... we're questioning !! okay ! soak it up disgusting face. and it also helps that u just happen to be around every time there's booze and coke. im just saying. but no one's blaming u and we all know that rumors are just rumors and that willis one ... whew ! make up aint curin that peach. but uh ... cute shoes, man.

eva longoria plays hollywood

2007-11-23T20:54:00.000-07:00

oh eva eva eva. u cute little ... well i guess bitch would play appropriate to this situation.

“Eva ran straight over to Posh and started pulling up chairs around a big table so they could sit together,” said our spy. “The host was furious. She told Eva, ‘You cannot bring any more chairs over here. This is a dining room.’ Eva didn’t listen to her, and a head server had to start pulling the chairs from her and move them back to the dining area so people with reservations could sit.”

when people are attractive without make up and carry around pink purses worth thousands, you're not to address them. ok waitress. you are to hold your breathe while they walk in the vincinity trashing the place with their beauty tude and spewing nonsense and vomit. because the only people who dine at the Chateau Marmont are drunk celebrities, reality stars or entourages. eva longoria pulling up a chair next to victoria beckham is like royalty and her joker. you pick the parts. but im slightly confused on the chair grabbing. im no hollywood celebrity or anything but sometimes, at hooters, i grab stools as i walk in because i already know im going to need them. nobody ever says anything to me. maybe u should pick better battles eva. don't go to resturants where people plan to use chairs and dine.

im upset

2007-11-23T20:34:00.000-07:00

omg so guess how old this girl is. and i'll give u a hint. 13 !!! this is ali lohan. for those of u slow folk, that makes her lindsay lohan's sister. i have so many things to say but im only gonna give three.

1. first picture, what kinda shoes is homegirl wearing !? oh yeah, das righ ... UGGZ motherfuckers.

2. second picture, are you a grandmother or modeling clothes for sears !? grandma coat covered with grandma scarf? was this dina's idea so america wouldn't think her second child was whorish? let's shy away from anything lindsay. whatever she did, u must do the opposite. like ... wear tons of make up !! uhck

3. awww but ur cute ali, really. ur 13 so you shouldn't even know what daylight is ... but ur cute. and u wear uggz and ur sister is lindsay fuckin lohan.

*sigh* i dunno. i thought i should share these because they're on the internet and that is what i do.

im gonna have to disagree

2007-11-18T02:27:00.001-07:00

i disagree.

first of all, i've always had a problem with sexiest man alive because PEOPLE MAGAZINE does not know every human on the planet [im so literal ... it kills] because if they did ... Matthew Damon wouldn't be gracing the cover.

is he sexy? really? just a bad picture you say? no ... no ... i saw jason bourne and linus and i mean ... magazine cover sexiest man alive material? no. is he sexy because we haven't seen him snort cocaine, get a dui or cheat on his wife? is that what's making him sexy? or is he sexy because he does big time movies without comedy. it's all serious and down to business. makin bank. not causing havoc. sexy?

u want to know what sexiest man alive looks like? i won't give u a picture because it wouldn't be fair to matt but his name begins with an m and ends with an ark like noah. okay. mark wahlberg is what sexy looks like and i will not stop preaching that until HE has graced people magazine. even if he's 86. omg. can u imagine. i wonder if i'll still be prancing around calling mark sexy at 86. haha. what am i saying. of course i'll think he's sexy because he will be my husband. and i'll be changing his shit bag and putting his food in a blender. or maybe he'll still be mobile like hugh? either way ... wait ... i just totally lost myself in my fantasy

it's like im a fat, girl, who takes testosterone pills

2007-11-18T02:25:00.000-07:00

because this picture totally turned me on in every way.

the ice cream. the purse. the girl.

the return of SMG

2007-11-18T02:23:00.000-07:00

Sarah Michelle Gellar aka Buffy The Vampire Slayer aka The Cutest Girl Ever is on the COVER of the december issue of Maxim Magazine.

When she was asked why it took so long for her to do the cover of maxim, she said:

Lots of things. I’m 30, and I’m promoting a bunch of different kinds of movies. I like to shake things up every once in a while. It’s good to leave people wanting more, but I don’t want to leave them waiting too long or they’ll lose interest. Besides, how could I not do a Maxim shoot when I have a movie coming out in which I play a porn star?

Ack. so many things to say.

1. She's promoting a bunch of different movies !!! This means she's coming back out. I LOOOOVE me some Sarah Michelle Geller. Loved her since she was Kendall on All My Children.

2. She likes to "shake things up." My kinda woman.

3. She's married to my love Freddie Prinze Jr [who needs to come out with something soon]

4. PORN STAR !?!?!?! She's coming back out on the cover of Maxim and doing a Porn movie !?

GET OUTTA HERE !!!
Viva La SMG !!!!

& ps - there's no such thing as "losing interest" Sarah. u silly little cutsie. True fans wait.

and this is britney spears cleaning and stimulating a fantasy

2007-11-07T19:47:00.001-07:00

ahoy ! there she is. i thought i was going on day 2 without any britney. and well, that would've given even cause for a relapse. ask you can see in the picture above she's cleaning. she's squatting to reveal her tramp stamp in her sneakers with a bottle of windex. and the picture to the left is her after she washed down those dirty little windows.

i hear ya brit. i can't throw my plate in the trash without needing a bong rip and a tequila shot. shit.

and onto the greatest news i've heard in 15 minutes.

my sources are stimulating my vagina by telling me that britney spears has a girl crush on kim kardassian.

...Britney, 25, revealed: "I really love Kim's butt, skin and hair. Kim is a real woman. A real horny beast..." According to a US magazine, the singer made her kinky confession as she took turns with friends to name the celebs they would most like to sleep with." A close pal told the mag: "She was so graphic. It's funny to hear America's pop darling get so dirty."

HOLD ON ! you're telling me britney spears said "a real horny beast" and got "so graphic with detail" that it was funny to hear? now wait. do u mean funny like it made you close your legs and blush or funny like uncomfortable? as in your jaw dropped and you looked for the nearest exit to disappear through? if it's option b ... britney spears is the greatest human being roaming the earth.

yeah. re read it. that's what i said. roaming ... the earth.

this is britney spears

2007-11-07T19:46:00.004-07:00

the end.

two studs and a chick

2007-11-07T19:46:00.003-07:00

CHECK OUT THE BODIES TO THE LEFT AND TO THE RIGHT ! channing tatum and garrett hedlund get shirtless in a pool and drink fruity little cocktails that say we're men in tights from

TALL SKINNY GLASSES !

im obsessed with them. i want to drink from them. im lying. i want to get fucked up from them. someone take me out and get me drunk from a tall skinny glass so i too, may squeeze myself in the middle of a fuck that's sexy sandwich.

my thoughts exactly

2007-11-07T19:46:00.001-07:00

Kim Kardassian just saw herself for the first time in Playboy. it's only a matter of time before Kimmie starts looking like ... Keira Knightly. *shakes* because she's naked in these pictures. and she's not blonde or very skinny. she's amazing. but hollywood is going to make her feel fat. and we all know what happens when hollywood makes you feel fat.

bring on the drugs. but kimmie. you better hunt me down the next time im out there, stalking you and share them with me. Ooh. we'll become best buds and get skinny together the wrong way.

The playboy issue comes out in December. and i've already purchased the frames to put it in.

oh well no wonder michael jackson

2007-11-07T19:45:00.002-07:00

i've never seen michael's house up close and personal like this. i should've taken the hint when i watched that one south park episode but i didn't. so now im looking at it and im like. It's Fucking Disneyland. his main house complete with clock is the first thing you see at disneyland before you disperse into different lands. AND THE RIDES !!

the king of pop had his own disneyland. and had convinced parents to let their children play on the rides. only the lucky ones got to play with his rides. if you know what im saying. hahahahahaha. ssh. stop. that's not funny.

oh c'mon audrina

2007-11-07T19:45:00.001-07:00

look in a mirror. you're hot woman. why am i subjected to seeing you with all these men who have obvious hair styling issues. jeezes. i mean. justinbobby i might give you some slack on cause that disgusting nasty rude tryin to look like johnny depp motherfucker is SEXY. but this. this gotti grease slick back. NO !

and then to hear you're disappearing for an hour to make out. in the bathroom with grease slick. oh the joys of mtv programs. everyone's so innocent. everyone's so squeaky clean. until those damn cameras turn off and you're left with x17 and tmz. i wasn't a fan chipmunk. i don't feel your sense of a backbone. but making out in public restrooms at clubs tops that shit. congrats audrina. welcome to my world.

but start dating the balds.

paris hilton makes me proud

2007-11-07T19:44:00.002-07:00

erase your mind of paris hilton. pretend you've never seen her snatch, nipples or anus. pretend she never got a dui. pretend she never went to jail. o i got it. pretend she's not rich. yea yea. now all your hate's away. okay.

now open your eyes and look at that picture. tell me she's not cute as a button. pink stockings [i've never seen such a thing], those sunglasses, that cute little babydoll dress and uhm ... what's that she's holding ... a purse?

paris and nicky hilton were in toyko this past week promoting a new purse line for Samantha Thavasa. they took numerous pictures with different outfits and purses but this one has got to be the most fave. oh. *chuckles* and paris reportedly isn't going to rwanda anymore because she realizes she's a brand and not a god damn humanitarian. stick with pretty paris. stick with pretty.

please explain your life to me

2007-11-07T19:44:00.001-07:00

*moment of silence*

does it drive you crazy to stare at people as cute as lauren conrad? and there's no need to hate on her because she blasted out of the womb cute as fuck. it's not her fault she was born with a beautiful face, kept her body on point and happened to have a rich daddy with an amazing motherfucking house. it's not her fault that she happened to be passing the casting of laguna beach while on her lunch break. it's not her fault that we were so fucking interested in her life that we had to follow her from the beach to the greatest city ever. it's not her fault that she got the hook up in that sweet ass apartment "that she no longer lives in, just films in" and gets paid a reported, $40,000 an episode. did you go to math class? that's $160,000 a month. a month. to be cute and match her shirt with her shoes.

but i like to see the positives in situations at times. and im taking this opportunity as, lauren is showing me all the hot spots. you think i'd know what the fuck area was if it weren't for the hills. you think i'd take road trips to hollywood just to drive down sunset because it means something to me. no. lauren conrad is the spokesman for los angeles with taste in my eyes. all those lovely resturants, those purses, that car, those purses, her home, those purses, her friends, those purses, her job and those purses.

wait. why is there drama on the hills? this is not a lifestyle to waste with emotions. shit. if i was lauren conrad, i'd be like a sexy brick wall. you get nothing from me. i've got to sip and shop. dueces.

aww my precious little joey

2007-11-07T19:43:00.002-07:00

Katie !!! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN !? i've been in such distress. dawson's creek was my show. okay. you don't understand. i remember waiting for months with all those ads for it. i was like who and what's a dawson and a creek but i don't care there's men i have to see it. and then it came on and my mother told me she didn't want me watching it. too inappropriate for my age. i was piiiiiissed. but she gave in because inappropriate is exactly what the fuck i am. i fell in love with joey because she was me. i used to sneak into bedroom windows all the time in middle school. and they were all men. because, i wouldn't need to sneak if i was visiting a giiiiiirl. but enough of that because you're going to try and say that joey and dawson don't exist. and that you were just as pissed off about her winding up with pacey as i was. ughpots.

katie holmes looks absolutely delicious as she attends the primere for hubby tom cruise's new movie. the most recent picture of the holmes was her in that purple i think some would call it a shirt, that hat and her i don't have a booty pants. but it's always nice to know that people can clean up should it be requested. unless you're me. because if i were to clean up my 23 year im a boy act, oooo. you wouldn't know what to do with yourself.

im impressed hilary duff

2007-11-07T19:43:00.001-07:00

motherfuckin word. move aside lindsay lohan, hilar ... i can't even joke like that. my fingers refused to type what i was going to say. so don't move lindsay, stay right here. but notice if you were to turn around that hilary duff would be in eye sight.

check out hilary on the right side of the FHM magazine spread she shot. the left side contains her nicely shaven/waxed there's no hair there shiny and perfect legs. mhm. her hair is flawless and that make up. don't even get me started on her fucking face.

oh photoshop. you my friend, are the best thing since sliced bread and revlon.

oh but the story doesn't end there people. it begins with hilary duff being uhcked at because she gave her boyfriend ... her what ... boyfriend ... one more time ... her boyfriend a lapdance at a new york night club.

"Hilary was having a wild night, drinking Beve Clicquot straight out of the bottle. She looked nothing like the sweet little Lizzie Maguire she once was as she treated Mike to a aseries of raunchy lap dances."

man oh man. she's nothing like that lizzie maguire character that she used to play on tv. it's a shame though. because i'd love to see that pink shirted, blue jeans wearing toes out of the front of her sandals cartoon doing some "raunchy" lap dances. damn that big box in my room that lights up and gives me fake visions of people. because what you're trying to say is her real name isn't Lizzie and she no longer hangs out with Gordo and Miranda. all of my hopes. shattered. thanks internet.

hayden panties knows what's up

2007-11-07T19:42:00.003-07:00

there's this wonderful thing called a live feed that blogs are starting to use these days. it means we're video taping someone live and if you are stalker enough, you'll watch. i don't really waste my time on anyone other than britney so i only watched the live feed of her driving down to san diego for her first house of blues tour.

hayden panties on the other hand, might've been watching the paparazzi sit outside her window last night. because as you can see in the picture above, she ordered two tasty looking boxes in the shape of pizza for them and well, took it outside. yum! some place called dominos. and im completely fascinated. because ... earlier today, eva longoria took boxes of this domino's to the writers who are on strike.

oooh. i get it. they're called dominos because it's the domino effect. hayden did it. eva did it. and now im about to do it. cause there's a similar box sitting on the table here at work. wonder what it tastes like. if it exists in hollywood, im sure it's good to go.

im sorry? you wanna know what sexy looks like?

2007-11-07T19:42:00.001-07:00

BAM !

and you're welcome. megan fox vowed to stay out of the young hollywood blog scene, but when you're hot enough we'll follow you around to watch you lean on walls. i would've posted those pictures but im not going to. because even though she still looks hot, she's leaning on some 3rd grader mural with freaky pictures of jokers and shit.

so you get this. this picture of her with her name written across her nose like a cocaine trail. and im assuming she attended an event involving YAHOO! due to the Y on the left side and the exclamation on the other.

YAHOOOOOOOO !

Britneeeeeeeeeeeeey !!

2007-11-07T19:41:00.000-07:00

i haven't really read anything today. Just went around to the blogs to steal pictures before I chose to write. but I found this picture. and im not posting it because i want you to know britney gets stains on her cute shirt or that she's the only person i've ever seen with yellow cigarettes.

she went to get a tan and parked in a handicap spot. i swear. it's in the picture. see. i don't lie. but she's britney spears and she's allowed to do that. because u know, when im running into walgreens [*gasp* its now called LeSexy. No longer Walgreens] just to grab a lighter, i don't feel like parking 3 spots down when there's an open blue spot. but the police never seem to understand my reasoning.

oh ... and she's wearing chanel sunglasses. and you know my theory on accessories. if you have the right ones, you're unstoppable and the rules don't apply.

next.

Is This What Heaven Sounds Like?

2007-11-02T00:54:00.000-07:00

Uhm. I'm shaking and foaming at the mouth. Because, I think I just read that Lindsay Lohan is going to be on a reality show. And even though it's going to be similar to Keeping up with the Kardashians where they show us a bunch of siblings nobody knows or cares about [and by siblings no one cares about I mean those annoying fucking dumbass GIRLS on the stripper pole, flashing their surfboards and kicking Brody Jenner in the dick.] But whatever. So I'll have to fast forward through Dina, Ali and Dakota to see seconds of Lindsay. But those will be the seconds I rewind until I fall asleep.

There are so many misconceptions about me and my family,” says Dina. “I’m setting the record straight.

“It’s about empowering women to be successful single mothers. About being in the limelight without compromising motherhood. It’s about what I do, how you can be successful, and be a single mom and fulfilling your kids’ dreams. Working is my sole source of income.

“It won’t just be following my family around like other shows. It’ll show me cultivating careers, going to soccer practice. I’m a big supporter of domestic violence charities, so they’ll show that. Then they’ll show [”my son”] Cody at soccer practice. Ali going to school and in the studio. It’ll encompass everything. You’ll see me having five business meetings in the city.

“We want it just to be real. It’s okay if it’s not as crazy as the tabloids make it.”

Okay wait now I'm confused. Why does anybody wanna see Dina take her son to soccer practice. And I don't care to see Ali get off the bus with a Bratz backpack. I wanna see Lindsay Lohan FUCK the soccer coach and the principal. I wanna see her pick Ali up from school with a mysterious brown bag inbetween her legs with the hiccups. Err ... she's not driving of course. Because drinking out of brown paper bags behind the wheel is irresponsible. So basically Heaven just turned into Hell.

I hope this I don't wanna pose or talk to the Paparazzi is a pretend phaze. And in about a month I'll own a copy of the sexiest sex video ever called Lindsay snow blows Riley. Oooh.

America's Most Smartest Model

2007-11-02T00:52:00.002-07:00

I don't watch this show because of the name. I can't even pronounce it without wanting to bash monotone Ferris Bueller teacher in the mouth. But I think I might have to record and save until I erase because of this body right chere !

“He’s just a very, very scary, intimidating person,” his accuser told The Post. “He’s so explosive. You can see it in his eyes. He has this insane thing inside of him.”

“He touched my genitalia, and I immediately moved away,” she said. “Then I looked over, and he looked really upset . . . I went up to him. And he was standing there with his head down. He said something along the lines of ‘no.’

“He then grabbed my boob.”

Following his arraignment last night, Birleanu said, “I didn’t molest anyone . . . I already slept with that girl, so it’s strange she would say I touched her inappropriately.”

Did she really say Genitalia? Really. DID SHE SAY THAT !? She shoulda been slapped. People who say Genitalia and not Pussy, Snatch or Cunt don't deserve to be groped.

So he grabs this girl in the land of yes and instead of rolling her eyes, grabbing her drink and walking away she consoles him? He wanted to get me juiced up but I declined and then I felt bad because he seemed angry. So I went up to him. Yea. Yea. AFTER he touched me in the bad spot. And then he grabbed my boob. I'm just as confused as you are.

Why am I living in a city with prudes. I want a man to come stick ... no no ... shove his hand in my naughty naughty while grabbing my boob while forcing a shot on Tequila down my throat. Whew! I've gone and made myself hot. Excuse me.

Picture Of The Day

2007-11-02T00:52:00.001-07:00

Paris Hilton in her SUV before getting out to attend a party. This picture lets me know that Paris Hilton knows how to party. Because I never knew before seeing this picture. There's an empty bottle of Patron which is Tequila which is that freaky deaky shit so that's point one. Then she's wearing a short sailor skirt. Point two. and then ... well we all know what that lean in the back is for. Puff Puff Give Paris !! Puff Puff motherfuckin Give.

Ssh. Ashlie stop it. That's how rumors get started.

Never Call A Fat Woman Pregnant

2007-11-02T00:51:00.001-07:00

And that goes specifically for Christina Aguilera and Jennifer Lopez. Because while they continue to deny their pregnancies, I've gone ahead and taken the initiative to say if they're not Pregnant then they're fat.

And they just keep getting fatter. But they're not pregnant. That's not a baby in there. Because they say they're not. And when they go look for baby clothes and stroke cribs, it's not for them. A lot of people are fond of window shopping. So they're not pregnant okay. Because they say so. And just because they're stomachs are growing by the day doesn't mean child. It means drive thru's, pints and secret midnight drives to Circle K for Snickers. King Size.

Ashley Olsen Likes Older Men

2007-11-02T00:49:00.002-07:00

The hallways are a buzzing with the latest news on Ashley Olsen. She's like dating Lance Armstrong. No silly !! Giggles. Not the man on the moon. He's like dead and shit. The cancer man with the trend yellow bracelet who rides bikes. And yeah he's like 40 and Ashley is 12 but uhhh helloooo. Have u seen him? Maybe he's not bash his head in gorgeous but he rides bikes. For a living. And do u know what that does to your legs. And do u know what u use ur legs for? THRUSTING.

Go head Ashley Olsen.
You know how to search for that sexual skill.

Oh. So You Mean Her Heart Is Broken?

2007-11-02T00:49:00.001-07:00

OMG ! It's been solved. Thanks to another human being Britney Spears calls A FRIEND, we now know why Britney is just oh so crazy.

“She wanted so badly to have the father of her babies. When Britney thought about Kevin not wanting her, she would bawl,” Machado tells Us. “She would look at Sean and Jayden and say, ‘Where’s your daddy? I need help. Where’s your daddy?’”

And Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1, were with Spears when she and Federline had their final fight, something Machado says Spears felt she was tricked into. After following him to New York with their sons, “She stood up for herself, and it kind of backfired,” Machado recalls. “That was what [Federline] wanted.”

Unable to move on, Spears hung her wedding dress in the bedroom of her Malibu home. She also kept framed photographs of she and K-Fed all over the house. “She would ask, ‘Why did he do this to me?’” Machado tells Us, adding: “It just made her crazy and depressed.”

Britney Spears was really in love with that rat bastard. And then when she realized that he didn't love her but loved her money, private jets and Vegas suites she stood up for herself. And then he wanted to get brave. So she dumped his ass. But was sad about it. Because she loved him. And now I'm sad for her because as her heart breaks we continue to rip her apart. And uhm ... Did u see her wedding dress. It was cute. Or no wait. I'm thinking Post wedding dress huh. That little see through tight short number. It was adorable. I'd hang it on my wall too. So that's not weird. As long as she's not doing any like come back to me chants.

But where was your Daddy !? He didn't wanna help out when he was Mr. Spears buying the latest Nikes but now that he's making Burger King commercials he wants the kids. Cause who wants to work. I'd rather get child support checks that I spend on myself too. & I haven't seen one picture of him with his kids. It's always the Nanny or grandparents pushing them in the stroller cars.

Boo situation. Boo.

Jessica Simpson Moves Quick

2007-11-02T00:47:00.000-07:00

Sources say that Jessica Simpon and Owen Wilson are or were together and are or were hooking up. They apparently met on the set of Willie Nelson's new video a few weeks ago. And now they're dating. Because they were seen together. But I'm going to start a rumor of my own. Jessica Simpson is now dating Kid Rock. Because he's in the picture above. And men and women don't take pictures together unless they're dating and or fucking.

So This Is What Sexy Looks Like

2007-11-02T00:46:00.001-07:00

David Beckham.

Doesn't he play tennis or something? Why'd he move to America? To shop and show up to the airport in sick ass $400,000 cars? Ooh. Ooh. Okay. Well that's fine. He could've moved to America to sale shoes made from Pigeon beaks and I'd drool. Soccer? Oh. He plays soccer. He was paid $500 million to move here and play? And he really hasn't played? WHO FUCKING CARES ! HE'S HOT !

Where Is The Justice?

2007-11-02T00:44:00.002-07:00

Because most of my posts would be like this one. I love America. It's the only place where you can have an affair with a married man, get jealous and shoot his wife in the head, go to Prison for many years, get out and rekindle the fucking flame. C'mon Joey. COME ON. I was on your lying bastard "we weren't involved" side. AND NOW THIS.

Amy Fisher ... OMG ... Remember Adams Family Values ... Values ... Is that the one where they went to summer camp and Wednesday smiles? I dunno. Whatever. That one. They had an Amy Fisher trading card. Because she shot a woman in the face. Close range. What's the legal system. I'm going to jail for a month if I get caught with Pot but these people are shooting and running people over and they don't get LIFE !?!?

Excuse me while I go sign up for Justice courses.

Ugly Runs In The Family

2007-11-02T00:44:00.001-07:00

Ewww.
What's that cracker cocaine shit on her tongue?
And why is she sharing it with the camera therefore sharing it with me and now I'm sharing it with you.

She's almost as ugly as Mischa. Wait. Almost as would mean she's prettier huh. Scratch all that. She's even uglier than Mischa. There we go.

40 months? How about LIFE Bitch.

2007-11-02T00:43:00.001-07:00

Listen. You were sexy on Prison Break last season. Especially in that episode where u were the bitch and they sent u to the store to buy garden hoses n shovels n shit and u beat that man down. All sweaty and dirty. Mmm. But. You Killed someone.

Fox told Garrison, “I think you are truly remorseful,” but sentenced him to prison because “the public needs to know crimes like this need to be punished and, unfortunately, you have to be the messenger.” The sentence was based on Garrison’s lack of prior criminal history and that he admitted responsibility, pleaded guilty right away and has offered the families financial assistance.

Before sentencing, a highly emotional Garrison told the victims’ families he was “genuinely remorseful” and “sickened” by his behavior that night.

Garrison he will get credit for the 91 days he has already served. That, combined with California’s Work Time/Good Time early release program, means he will likely be in state prison for about 20 months.

He must also pay close to $300,000 to the Setian family and to the two girls who were in the car.

What? Whatever happened to LIFE in Prison. He was fuckin DRUNK and he KILLED someone. There is no bail. There is no getting out early. THERE IS NO GETTING OUT. You people better hope and pray I stick to the Blogging. Because if I wake up one morning and wanna be a Judge, You're gonna PRAY for Judge Judy. I would say ... Sexy Sweaty Man You're GOING TO JAIL FOR LIFE YOU DRUNK BASTARD. Ugh. Paris has a DUI and a suspended license ... 21 days in Jail. Nicole Richie drives down the wrong side of the freeway stoned and on vicodin ... An hour? Britney Spears hits a car and doesn't have a California state drivers license. No Time. LINDSAY FUCKING LOHAN. Crashes her car. Leaves the scene. She's drunk. Bruised. And there's Cocaine. NOT A DAMN THING. But this man KILLED a motherfucker. He ended a life. He needs to go to Prison for his.

Perez Says Tila Was Fired !

2007-11-02T00:40:00.001-07:00

Perez Hilton wrote on his blog yesterday or maybe today that Tila Tequila was fired from A Shot Of Love With Tila Tequila and will not be returning for another season. Tila's publicist responded with the save stating: It's not true. Tila found love and doesn't need another show.

I'm on a mission. I'm determined to see who she's taking pictures with. Or parting with. Or maybe because MTV are a bunch of Nazi's they're not allowed to see one another and embrace in sexual situations until the show is over. Because we wouldn't watch the show anymore if we already knew. But. That's not true. Did u see Tuesday's show? Ashley lost his FUCKING mind. Who'd miss out on that happening with someone else. Even if I knew she was going to end up with Brandi [who I think is way trashy sexy] I'd still watch cause I wanna see Horseman Amanda kicked off. And I wanna stare at Bobby and Ryan. Cause Ryan has body like Whoa. Oops. I'm rambling.

Perez Said.
Tila Denied.
Case Solved.

Uhp! How'd This Get In Here?

2007-11-02T00:38:00.000-07:00

She eats Pizza and drinks Soda.
And there is nothing tactful about it.

I fuckin DIG this chick.

Oh No Donny V !

2007-11-02T00:37:00.000-07:00

Don Vito was the reason I watched Viva La Bam. I LOOOOVE DV. But I guess I'm not supposed to anymore because he groped three girls 12 to 13 years old. Jeezes. Can I see their pictures? They're 12 and 13 but do they look 9 or do they look 19. Because girls these days are trippin out with their hairdo's and asses. So, men are tricked.

And ... I mean, maybe DV didn't really know. He's carrying a lot of weight and maybe he was hungry and thought they were pieces of meat. Because technically they are. I bet they had everything out but their nipples and pubes. OBJECTION ! Withdrawn.

So Don Vito will probably go to jail because he's an unattractive man, who's overweight and he touched little girls. Damn. If he had the mixed face of Brad Pitt and David Beckham we wouldn't even know. Those girls wouldn't be complaining they'd be sperminated.

And we have another racist who's not really racist on our hands

2007-11-02T00:34:00.000-07:00

Mr. Bounty Hunter Dog Bad to the motherfukin Bone doesn't not like black people, he just doesn't want his son to date one. Because we steal. And he doesn't want a Nigger to come in and take away the shit he's spent 30 years working hard for.

"I'm not taking a chance...not because she's black but because we use the word n---er sometimes here. I'm not going to take any chance ever in life of losing everything I've worked for 30 years because some drunken n---er heard us say n---er and turned us into the Enquirer magazine...I'm not taking that chance at all never in life. Never..."

But wait. Did he say this before or after it was made public? Was the black girl trying to get a piece and he said this? Or did he say this after it became public and now he's blaming the nigger girl. Or wait. Does his son want to bring her around the house and that was his response? You can't bring the black girl here because we can't pretend for the hour she's here not to say Nigger? Cause Nigger is a Noun. I mean whatever. It doesn't mean anything. We use the word. But we're not racist. But no. You can't date the black girl. Where's my dinner big breasted woman I call wife?

The Only Halloween Costume I'm Posting

2007-11-02T00:31:00.000-07:00

Oh c'mon. Who else did you think I'd put up here. Alright. So the only uhoh thing I have to say about my girl here is she wore red I wish I was in Kansas again platform shoes. With this outfit. This pink and black kitten sex suit. But other than that. How omg where's my dildo would it have been if she had a black nose and ears and shit. Cause she has a tail. Ah. This girl is the cutest human being alive to me. To me.

Britney, Alli, Some new blonde girl and Sam Lufti attended Heidi Klum's 8th Annual Halloween party at The Green Doors. I'm moving to Los Angeles just to go to resturants n shit.

Area. Les Duex. Teddy's. Ketchup. The Green Doors. Who are these people and why can't I eat on couches with flowers in my face.

Bad Doogie.

2007-11-02T00:30:00.000-07:00

Doogie Howser used to be the smartest boy alive. And then he was the sexiest man sniffing coke off the whores in Harolds car and now he's my worst nightmare. Boom. Changed. That quick.

Doogie helps me explain why I don't walk the streets after 4pm on Halloween.

Brigina !! I Wanna Put My Face In It

2007-10-19T12:52:00.000-07:00

Hi Brigina !!!! It's been awhile girlfriend. You're lookin so hot. I just wanna smash my face in there.

Britney Spears was overheard talkin shit about her judge last week.

"I hate my judge. He is so mean. Just an old fart. He told me I was being catty with him, but he was being catty with me and paid me no respect at all. His job is to sit there and tell people what to do. And that's just so sad, because he gets off on it."

I agree. Eye for an eye blackrobe man. If you're going to be catty then I'm going to be catty. If you wink at me then I'll wink right back. If you want to gesture at me to meet you under the desk and under the robe then I'm going to gesture you with my hand rolled up going up and down. See. It's simple.

Britney ! What's Your Secret?

2007-10-19T12:51:00.000-07:00

I remember years ago when I use to eat fast food and starbucks everyday and I did not look like this.

Britney.
What's the name of your personal trainer, the toilet seat you frequent or the drug you use. I really wouldn't mind driving to Wendy's right now for a sqaure with cheese and mustard but then I'd have to like ... work out and shit and I'm not in the mood. Help a sistah out with ur tricks. You're GORGEOUS.

Helloooooo Legs.

That's Pretty Awesome

2007-10-19T12:50:00.000-07:00

Her nails would not be pink They would be black and chipped. And I don't see her keys, london or her phone. And she's not fat. This picture is so not accurate.

BUT I dig her in that pink wig. I wish her real hair would hang out from underneath like that. Ooo. Someone who spends their time DRAWING YOU means you've made it. & I dunno why I said "u've made it" like Brit hasn't been around for 10 years. Let's raise our glasses to another 10. Only rauchier.

Adriana Lima and I Have Something In Common

2007-10-19T12:49:00.000-07:00

We both go to the airport !!!

Amy and Blake Arrested.

2007-10-19T12:48:00.000-07:00

For Pot. As in weed. Dope. Marijuana. Amy Winehouse ... arrested ... for Marijuana. Oh boo fucking hoo. She's a CRACKhead. An ALCOHOLIC. On the road to ODing on everything in a hotel room. Uhp! But she's got the pot. Arrest her. Because it's horrible. That pot.

She'd relax and reach over the whiskey bottle to grab a day old cheeseburger. What's the crime? Viva La Pot. Where's my dope man!?

Blondes Have More Fun

2007-10-19T12:47:00.001-07:00

because they get to dress up with their blonde hair and play on their berrys while surrounding themselves with people, Voss water [nasty water ... snazzy bottle] and martini glasses. Is Voss water or Vodka? Or are we to believe they drink and back it up with water because u know ... It's no longer cool to be drunk. You just need to drink and then sober up before anyone notices.

Why hang out anymore? No one is happy enough with the person they are with. I'm hanging out with you but texting 8 people asking what time we're meeting up later. Because having one plan per night is totally lame.