Sunday, May 27, 2007

Lindsay Lohan: Crash.Cocaine.DUI

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[Disclaimer: Yeah. I'm using these two pretty pictures because there are no actual pictures that are up yet. Unless you count x17 but I don't really like to deal with pictures that have words scrolled across them. So, you're gonna have to just READ for once.]

I think Lindsay Lohan is testing me. Honestly. I think she's secretly reading this website in the depths of her madness plotting her next scheme. WHAT is going on with her right now. I think I'm stalling all the good news everyone's so eager to hear because I don't think there's anyway I can stick up for her. Boo.

Saturday Morning Events:

Midnight: Lindsay left her sweet ass condo on Doheny Ave en route to Les Duex in her SUV driven by her bodyguard, Jaz.

3am: Lindsay says to hell with the club scene and heads up to a private party in the Hollywood Hills.

4am: Lindsay has enough of this party and heads on over to Skybar at the Mondrian Hotel.

4:45am: Lindsay leaves Skybar and heads back to her Condo.

[This entire time she's being driven around by someone else.]

5:15am: Lindsay leaves her Condo in her Mercedes SL 65 convertible. [She's Driving.] She speeds down Sunset Boulevard, loses control of her vehicle and crashes into some bushes on Sunset and Foothills.

5:25am: Lindsay says oh shit and flees the scene, leaving her car to flirt with the roses.

5:30am: A witness who was walking her dog calls the Beverly Hills Sheriff's Department to notify them about the accident.

6:30am: Lindsay's handy dandy bodyguard [Jaz] returns to the scene and drives Lindsay's busted up Mercedes back to her Condo.


Lindsay was partying with a bunch of friends including Samantha [OMG she's a lesbian AND a DJ] Ronson when they apparently had a little tiff. Lindsays SUV was video taped while each human being left the car one by one. Because only normal people get out of the car at the same time. Once everyone was in the house, approximately an hour later, we watch Lindsay leave the house party and murmor "That Fucking Lesbian" underneath her breathe. LINDSAY!! THERE ARE CAMERAS ALL AROUND !! STOP TALKING !!!

So because everyone's a 20 year old female, there's all kinds of emotions flooding the Hollywood air. We all know by now that Lindsay Lohan is a drama queen. Get that? LINDSAY LOHAN IS A DRAMA ... QUEEN !!!! This means, that after arriving at a party together ... fighting and leaving the party separately ... Samantha somehow ends up back at Lindsay's Condo anyway. She then leaves Lindsay's Condo around 5am and that's when Lindsay took her drunk ass toting around the streets to look for her. All hell broke loose and Lindsay ended up in the bushes.

& because it wouldn't be amazing without a little glove box digging, we now not only have Lindsay Lohan crashing but we've got [omg here it comes] COCAINE !! Surprise !!! Blow your streamers and toot your horns !!! If I get in an accident, should I remove all of my dildo's and Extascy Pills? Is that what's happening now? You crash and get your glove box searched? Hmmm.

Lindsay's exciting.
She goes to the hospital almost as much as I do. I thought I was the only one who knew the secret of the constant Morphine drip and warm blankets after 4am.

So let's sum this charade up.

Lindsay Lohan is a 20 year old, Rich, Gorgeous, Hollywood Actress, Model, Singer with a Drinking and Cocaine Problem. Shocker. She likes to have fights with anyone she can and likes to chase "fucking lesbians" down streets after proclaiming her hatred for them. She's all steamed, heated up, stressed because her very good friend is pissed walking the streets somewhere. A glare gets in her eye, causing her to end up in some bushes and JUST BECAUSE she's got Cocaine in her glove box we're gonna assume she was on it at the time. Pssh. Some people, I tell ya.

Maaaan, who am I kiddin.
Bitch was FUCKED up.

I bet Lindsay's already stocked up and ready for her Bible photo ops [because Jesus forgives EVERYTHING immediately], Her Peace sign is lubed and I bet she's PRAYIN to the heavens above that she gets a nasty old pervert male judge who isn't above gettin a little down south lovin. If u know what I'm sayin.

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