Sunday, May 13, 2007

Lindsay Lohan is a Sour Puss.

Why the long face Linds? Is it the constant limelight, the nude bra malfunction or the fact that your movie, Georgia Rule, only made 5.8 million dollars this past weekend?

When I first saw these pictures, I was like what's her face? Then I concluded the fact that she probably got the red carpet cameras mixed up with the paparazzi ones. Someone probably asked her something about her cocaine issues and she said, Fuck Off in her head but the face still shined. No wait. I'm changing my conclusion. I feel it's 10 times better.

Lindsay Lohan was three years old when she did her first commercial and 11 when she starred in Disneys, The Parent Trap. This automatically made her the role model for those in diapers. However, while Lindsay is growing up, it's almost as if most people assume her target audience is still those in Diapers.

HELLO !! Someone fly me to Hollywood right now. I've got a great screen play for your ass. How about, instead of having our favorite cocaine sex icon play in films like CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE DRAMA QUEEN, HERBIE FULLY LOADED and GEORGIA RULE, we put her in films more like her up and coming, I Know Who Killed Me. She's a stripper who dies. That's Gold. It'll make the Lohan haters wet while watching her get attacked [hopefully raped first] and make the Lohan fans wet because she's a stripper. It'll be absolute bliss. My movie however, is a tad bit more raunchy. A role only the true Lindsay Lohan could play.

Let's give her black hair with black eyes. Let's make her the popular girl of some weird Montana town no one's ever heard of. Let's make her fuck every athlete at the school, but not before taking Vicodin with Vodka and inhaling 14 lines of Coke. Let's make her beligerant, only at night though because that's when the dangerous fun happens.

Oh yeah. I'd help get her this Oscar she wants. A movie where your vehicle is the next best character isn't getting a golden statue sweetheart. We need sex drugs and violence. OR we could go the complete opposite way and give you a dog you've known your entire life who you're battling Cancer with.

The equation is quite simple.
No one cares about 1982 Bugs and Grandmas with water hoses.
We either want to be aroused or we want to be crying.

Case Closed.


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